Precioussssly me
by windofdreams
Summary: He may be the Lord of the Wizarding World, he may be feared by everyone, but he has a secret. There's a spell he can't master yet, a spell which can seal Hogwarts' fate. All while redecorating the castle and convincing everyone that noses are overrated. Voldemort!wins AU. Parody. OOC.


Disclaimer: all the rights belong to J K Rowling.

Written for QLFC, round 8 **(Voldemort!wins AU)** , as Chaser 2 for the Ballycastle Bats **(what happens to Hogwarts** ) **.**

Optional prompts: cruel, 'It's my turn to show you a sight you've never seen before', 'Well played, Voldy'

 **Warning: parody, OOCness, general disregard for canon (included certain characters' deaths), etc.**

Word count: 2625

Enjoy!

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" _One of us? You think it will be you, do you, the boy who has survived by accident, and because Dumbledore was pulling the strings?_ Well, you're wrong! Here, look at my schedule. It clearly states that I would rule the world, starting in thirty minutes from now."

Harry frowned. Why had none thought to notify him of this—rather relevant—change? He was the main character and he was always the last they thought to fill in. Well, he'd just have to pretend he was more informed than his enemy was.

"I fear _you_ are wrong, Voldemort, as you often are. This is the moment everyone was waiting for. You know how it goes. Look at _my_ notes; I have the Elder Wand's loyalty, you are totally oblivious, I defy you, etc. It's all written in the books." There, mentioning the books was always successful. "To sum up, everyone is going to be happy with you dead. It's for the Greater Good."

"Everyone but me, that is." The Dark Lord was clearly upset, and everyone took a step behind.

"I'm sorry, but we'd really go ahead with this, you know. We don't get to decide; we can only do our best to make the story interesting and ensure everyone is satisfied."

"I want you to carefully listen to me. You said that everyone is going to be happy if I die. Why? If we did as you say, the good guys would have won _again_ , and the bad guys would have lost _again_. Come on! How many times has it been done already? Who would still enjoy a story like that? Trust me, my idea is better and is a fine subtlety. I don't really expect that you understand, but I'm under the impression that you're under the impression that if Dumbledore was here and under the impression that this plan could work, he would do that at once, and you'd follow. Think of it; it's for the Greater Good and the Minor Boredom."

The Gryffindor, puzzled by the Slytherin's words, decided that yes, perhaps it was better the other way around. He nodded.

"Good boy!" Voldemort forced himself to smile but only ended up looking scarier than before.

"You know, you should really work on that," the Chosen One said, winking.

The Dark Lord ignored the boy's words. "Are you ready?"

"Of course. Let's begin."

" _Avada kedavra_."

" _Expelliarmus_."

One moment later, everyone's mouths were opening in surprise as the Boy-Who-Lived, the Golden Boy, the only person known to have survived the Killing Curse was graciously falling on the ground, dead.

Voldemort still stood, a cruel grimace—something which he certainly hoped was similar to a grin—on his face.

|:o:|

The Dark Lord's motorcade was going to enter Hogwarts in a few minutes. Some supporters were there to greet their Lord and throw rose petals on his path.

"Be careful!" Voldemort screamed. "My right foot risked touching the hard ground. I demand more petals. However, I think I'll forgive you, just for this time. Today, I may be a little too drunk to properly cast any spell."

"Of course, my Lord. Thank you, my Lord. It won't happen again, my Lord," the afraid man said, before turning to his companion and whispering, "I guess that's why bad guys are not allowed to win. Can you see Harry Potter being so picky?"

"Well," the other answered, "he doesn't walk barefoot so we cannot really tell."

"I trust such a mistake won't be repeated. And if you walked barefoot too, you wouldn't be so bitter. You should try; it's relaxing," Voldemort said before moving forward and taking a good look at the castle. "And don't think I didn't see you!" he added, swiftly turning to face another man who was innocently blowing his nose. "You believe having a nose is a bless, don't you? Well, it's not."

"My Lord, I can ensure you I didn't mean such a thing. I said nothing."

"Of course you said nothing; freedom of expression has been banished. But you did offend me by so clearly enjoying your nose that you had to blow it in my presence. I'm Lord Voldemort, and one of the many advantages of being me is to be blessed with a higher intelligence. You're all warned! Moreover, I could forbid anything nose-related if I wished." He lifted up his chin and marched forward.

"I can have Dumbledore's castle destroyed in a minute, Master." Bellatrix's voice resonated in his ears. It was as acute and annoying as always.

"Shut up, Lestrange. Let me focus on my next step." He then lifted up his hands and started drawing intricate figures with his long, white fingers, as if to trace and follow some dark plan.

Bellatrix looked ecstatic.

"Alright," the Dark Lord said at last. "Bellatrix, Severus, follow me. Everyone else, stay out of the castle. I claim Hogwarts for me. You'll be allowed in only after my invitation."

As everyone was quite fond of their skin, they all did what they had been told and left Voldemort and his right hand alone.

"Alright, Bellatrix. Overlooking the fact that this has always been my home, this is also a school, and that's why I want it to stand. Where else would I be supposed to learn?"

"You? Learn, my Master?"

"Yes. And stop calling me 'yours' at once! I may be a Lord, but I'm not yours. Now, I'm going to reveal you one of my biggest secrets. It's so big, in fact, that my Horcruxes are nothing in comparison. I can't, for my life, cast the Levitating Spell."

Bellatrix couldn't answer because she fainted. Snape looked very pale and felt his knees get weak.

The Dark Lord kept speaking, unbothered, "But first we need to change something. It looks like this castle may be older than me, and it doesn't fit my personality, however. Bellatrix!" He looked down and saw the woman on the ground, her eyes closed. "Merlin, I wish I could sleep so well, too! But now it's time to work. Come on, Bellatrix! I need a woman's eye. Severus, make her get up."

 _Look what I have to bear with. Potter should have fixed this place instead of searching my Horcruxes. That actually reminds me..._ He conjured a piece of parchment and scribbled down, _Replace Horcruxes; the old ones are damaged beyond repair._

|:o:|

Despite Bellatrix's and Severus' help, which Voldemort hoped he had never sought, they were doing some important change in the castle.

Currently, they were to take a decision on a matter of vital importance, and Voldemort scratched his head pensively.

"Do you think it could be nice here?"

A shrug was Bellatrix's only response. Snape was silent.

"Here?" He pushed the object right. "Or there, perhaps?" He took it in his white hands before dropping it on the floor again.

"I guess that is its right place," she said, pointing Hogwarts' entrance.

"Sure, none would have ever thought to put a doorstep near a door. My congratulations, Bellatrix!" was Severus' helpful comment. "And now it's my turn to show you a sight you've never seen before." He dragged her to the library. "Those are books, and that is a bookend. The b _ook_ end supports the _books_."

Fortunately for Severus, the Dark Lord's presence mitigated Bellatrix's wrath, distracting her from the flame she was conjuring.

"That actually reminds me that there's always been a change I hoped to do." He flicked his wand and a moment later, each bookend took the form of a decorated 'V'. "Alright, the library is settled. We can go."

|:o:|

Voldemort had summoned Lucius to the castle hoping he would have balanced Snape and Bellatrix. He was wrong.

"I still don't see why the Dementors must stay here at Hogwarts," Malfoy was complaining.

Bellatrix was furious. "You are an idiot. You are not worth of being in the inner circle of the Dark Lord. The Dementors are our most precious allies. You should be happy."

"You're absolutely right," Lucius hurriedly said. "I was joking."

Bellatrix glared at him suspiciously as he whispered to Snape, "Why should I rejoice of them, yet?"

"Someone said so. Do you feel happy now that you are aware of it?" Snape tried to sound as detached as he could, but the Dementors were affecting him too.

"I feel depressed, honestly. Only Bellatrix could take pleasure from their creatures. Maybe because she's barely human. And this awful weather..."

"What a delightful weather! I love it when there's a storm," Bellatrix said.

Lucius glanced at Severus, as if to say, _See? Told you she's crazy._

"Tell me about it," one of the portraits intervened. "I'm meteoropathic. This weather is killing me."

"And bad weather is always associated with a disgrace," another portrait said, before being interrupted by Bellatrix.

"That's why I love it."

"I usually feel when one is coming in my left toes. They always tingle before one," the portrait continued.

"Shut up! All of you!" Voldemort screamed as he decided that those portraits were too old-fashioned and needed to be replaced. Some portrait of himself humbly shaking Slytherin's or Merlin's hand would be more appropriate; or even better, Slytherin and Merlin knelt in front of him. As mentioned, he only wished that his great modesty came through.

|:o:|

"No, no, NO! Who is the responsible for this—there's not even a word to describe it—monstrosity? I mean, look at that... mess."

 _Note to me: coin some words such as Mugglosity? Mudbloodity? Muggless?_

Bellatrix looked disgusted, Severus was silent, and Lucius seemed rather green—whether for the distaste, or the fear of the Dark Lord's wrath, none could tell.

The _mess_ was commonly known as Milky Way.

"Stars! Can you believe it? A night star in the Great Hall, in MY castle. I can't tolerate it!" the Dark Lord finished his rush before summoning the Dementors, but they couldn't do anything. The Elder Wand, too, was useless.

Voldemort picked up his notebook and wrote, _Lock the Great Hall. Forever!_ Then, he underlined the last word twice. He thought, _It's not like students will come here anymore, after all. This is my home now. I'll just go and settle down somewhere else._ He scribbled down, _Go and search for a room where to get some undisturbed rest. Possibly far away from anyone else's._

"Who could I blame for this?" he said without even looking up from his notebook.

Bellatrix eagerly listed, "Muggles, Mudbloods, Werewolves, Squibs, Harry Potter, the members of the Order..." She could have gone on forever.

 _Squibbess?_

"Who did we blame last time?" he interrupted.

"Muggles and Mudbloods, mainly. But, ultimately, Dumbledore and Potter were not innocent, either," she said, eager to please him.

"Just pick one of them randomly." He really didn't care. He had some more important matter to muse on. Some festoons in green paper and in the shape of snakes sounded like a good idea, for example. And maybe he could have that horrible statue of the so-called architect replaced with something else; a basilisk, perhaps. Not to mention he should have to remove the Houses since students were not to be taught in there anymore—well, maybe he could save Slytherin—and modify Hogwarts' crest and motto. Something like _Kingly me_ or _Preciousssssly me_ seemed appropriate.

|:o:|

 _A month later in a remote village._

Voldemort was sitting at the desk, his bare feet on the table. As always, Severus, Bellatrix, and Lucius were with him. The latter was reading a newspaper.

"What does the Daily Prophet say, Lucius?"

The blond pureblood looked bored. "Oh, the usual, Master. And the comics page is really bad. All in all, this issue is rather horrible."

"Stop. I was referring to the... incident."

"You don't have to worry. They still grope around in the dark. The title says, _Hogwarts castle still missing. Large tip._ And they call the situation _surreal_ and _inexplicable_."

The Dark Lord seemed relieved. "Good. Let's hope they won't find anything. I don't want anyone to know that I'm not able to master a simple Win- _gar_ -dium Levi- _o-sa,_ and that the first—and only—time I did, I hit Hogwarts and made it disappear in the sky because I lost control!"

"Of course not, my Lord," the three Death-Eaters reassured him. "You can hardly be blamed for it. It's clear that the Founders must have done something wrong when they cast those shields and protections. A castle is not supposed to levitate."

"I knew I should have destroyed it. Hogwarts is nothing but trouble. In any case, the best thing is to lie low for a while." Voldemort decided, leaning back and finally closing his red eyes. Severus, Bellatrix, and Lucius breathed a little easier and went to another room.

While Snape and Malfoy were discussing the fact that the Dark Lord should really try those Muggle devices that change your eyes, Bellatrix asked, annoyed, "Is it for this that he changed the story? To end up in such a place?"

"I guess so." Lucius merely shrugged. The other matter seemed far more important. _Red is a primary color; that means that if I get..._ Someone interrupted his deep thoughts.

"Which one did you prefer, Bella? One where the Dark Lord had been killed? I'd say that all in all, it could have been much worse. We could have been dead," Severus said.

Malfoy's priorities had a sudden breakthrough, and he focused on the conversation.

"In any case, I don't know about you two, but I'd rather not to follow a Lord who can't levitate anything. And I'm bored," Bellatrix whined.

"What about some Hogwarts Hunting?" came the prompt proposal.

Bellatrix's eyes sparkled. "Do you all know how to set things alight, right?"

|:o:|

A week later, the readers of the Daily Prophet could read the following words in the morning edition.

 _ **Hogwarts' ashes found and lost.**_

 _By Jerry Steele, special correspondent to the Daily Prophet_

 _Three witnesses who wish to stay anonymous said that when they arrived on the spot where the castle had landed, it was already too late for the old School, devoured by flame. They pitifully gathered the ashes in a goblet and brought it here, where a giant sneeze, coming from another man who wishes to stay anonymous too, prevented all of us from paying our last respect to Hogwarts. Lord Voldemort, come back after a long-term absence, declares that the situation is under control, and that never again will he allow a nose to stay in our way. He feels the insult was deliberate, and as we know, he's never wrong. Therefore, a new amendment will be soon introduced, aimed to banish any nose from the Wizarding Britain and beyond. Mr. Snape seems to be the only one who opposes this change. As he was a Professor before and during the war, we wondered why he didn't feel like avenging Hogwarts. The answer to this question can be easily found by looking at the picture of his on page 6. For his quick response to the tragedy, Lord Voldemort will receive the Order of Merlin, and a image of him holding the goblet will be shown on a Chocolate Frog Cards soon. We of the Daily Prophet are very excited for this and wish to congratulate him and show him our personal support. "Well played, Voldy!"_

 _For more details about this article see page 4._

 _For Lord Voldemort's interview see page 5._

 _For Mr Snape's interview see page 6._

.

The end

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I hope you smiled or laughed at least once. ;) Tell me, please!


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